name: amber
age: 22
location: new orleans
aim: sapgirly mail work
October 31, 2001
I can't tell you how much of a bitch writing a Hamlet essay worth more than your midterm is. In any case, it's done. Ophelia's character is void but it only matters because she is a symbol for woman. 4-5 pages is an asshole. And it's goddamn Halloween and I stayed home and handed out my fucking candy. Fuck school. Well, at least it's written. Stupid shit. By the way, happy Halloween.
Oh, and Matt called. I wish he wouldn't do that. Eugh. I wish I could poof these people out of my life. Go away, go away, go away. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I hate this shit. I have no problem with spending the night making out and almost fucking him but I do have a problem with this stupid lovey-dovey bullshit. I'm not into that. I just want a good fuck every now and then, you know? Jesus. I wonder how many more cuss words I can fit in this post. Where my soap?
Miss Vail said a new guy came to Meditations two weeks ago (this was on Friday). She said he was cute and totally into the meditation. She said he wanted to "center himself for soccer." I think that's kind of bullshit but whatever. All these people have like...this huge thing with meditation. I do it because I've done it for so long. I was in the club in the first place because I liked Brian so much (no, I didn't like him, thank you--he's married). In any case, now Miss Vail thinks I have this love affair with meditation or something and I really just don't. I only go because I'm the president and I suppose I have to but yesterday, I didn't because I had work to do. I just didn't feel like it, basically. Poo poo poo, you know? I don't even go when there's a guy.
Oh, and Matt called. He wants to go do something. I'm trying to think of a really good excuse not to go out. I should have one because my voice is shot shot shot but I've hardly got anything. Plus, I feel kind of bad doing that. I am a bad person. Why do I do this to myself/others? Dammit--I'd love to hang out but I don't want to be his girlfriend. I don't even want to be his fuck buddy. Pish.
This post is going to be about Robert Marino. You don't know Robert Marino and you are unfortunate in that. It's almost cruel of me to say that now. But let me start where all things start--the beginning.
I met Robert during what was almost certainly the eighth grade. He was friends with my friends and so we became friends. Robert was (is?) one of those guys. Just those weird, brilliant, crazy guys. He's this short little Asian dude with a funny walk and ridiculous hair. To characterize my (ex-)friend, he used to carry around a backpack just chock full of stuff. It wasn't as though there was a theme to his stuff. He just had everything in his backpack. Scissors, action figures, video games. I can't even tell you all the stuff that he used to carry around. It was just ridiculous. So, in any case, during the 8th grade, I befriended Robert. Over the summer, we were practically best friends. He would call me and wake me up every morning. We would talk for hours and hours and hours. I'm not joking. I've never had a relationship like that except of course for Chris LaFargue which is another, more complex, more important to my life story. In any case--we were close.
And then, high school came. And my friend Krisi and I (we were tight too and it's chicks before dicks, isn't it? Well, it was.) So Robert was suddenly too weird. When before it was only slightly annoying, now it was uncool. We just wanted to fit in. Can you really blame us? Yeah, I suppose you can. But in any case, we weren't that nice to Robert and when he got caught with weed in my English class it wasn't necessarily unwelcome when they expelled him and sent him to Antioch. In fact, when he returned the next year, he hated it so much that within two weeks, he just went right back. None of his friends were his friends anymore. Not Krisi, not me, not Josh. It's sad and it's mean but that's just what happened.
So anyway, tonight, I go to dinner at Little Manuel's which is this excellent family restaurant on A Street (which has the best bean dip in the world) and kabam--he works there. So we ended up talking to him for a long time (this is two of my friends and I--Phil and Audrey). And he barely even recognized that I was there. I mean, we talked like we were acquaintances or something but he and I had been so close that one summer. So blah blah chatting chatting and then we go to leave and in the parking lot, he tells Audrey that they should hang out tomorrow. Now, I know I have no right to feel insulted but I still do. I really do. And it's almost as though I feel that I should feel bad because that's what I deserve. I don't deserve at all to have Robert be nice to me because I wasn't nice to him. I was a bitch and a half and an asshole and awful and disgustingly mean to him. So that he even talks to me is beyond whatever. But I was really nice to him tonight. That's where I'm at. I feel insulted that he wouldn't want to hang out with me because we were such good friends and hashing out the past can be so much fun but I know that he must we totally against hanging out with me because I was so mean to him at one point. I know I need to feel bad almost so that I can think that he is getting what he wants and I hope that it would make him feel better. I want to feel bad not so that he knows I feel bad but so that for myself, I am benefiting the Robert in my mind, if that makes any sense. I think I should feel bad and I do feel bad. I feel terrible. I was a horrible person. But I miss Robert. I miss all my old friends. I loved them so much and I didn't even know it. I let them slip away. Some to drugs, to other schools, to boys, to girls. What happened to my people? Krisi and Kelly are the only ones left. Chris, Robert, Josh...all my boys. They've all gone.
For a time, before my schoolwork took over my entire life junior year (I'm waiting for it to do so this year), I was hosted at beautifulfreak.org. So I had compiled this short list of bizarre/interesting sites to visit. I don't expect to ever have any reason to put them in my current blog unless I do this:
Here's some bizarre/interesting sites to visit:
Bizarre Stuff You Can Make in Your Kitchen Cherry Picker (strictly non-sexual)
goatse.cx (the most disgusting thing I have ever seen in my life)
GigaFit (Found this one today, a minute ago -- has to be the most boring idea for a web log in the history of ideas for weblogs. Why anyone would read this is completely beyond me.)
jackass.com run forever girl (I'm not particularly fond of the writing on this site, but I'm hugely jealous of the image manipulation. Try gaslit, too.)
skeptic.com sonofabitch.com (I actually visit this site all the time. Hugely funny.)
bushfordummies.com Steal This Book (I read practically this whole book before realizing that it was from the 60's and was written by some hippie. Damn, I should have been alive then.)
Are You Smarter Than Miss America? (I was just as smart as the smartest girl. I should have known that extra question.)
the punk dictionary penis poetry (This shit is hilarious.)
Well, that's it for links. But I have something else to say I thought of. During my 8th grade to sophomore years, my best friend was Ashley Jones. We were really really close for a long time and then suddenly, we didn't get along. I don't know exactly what happened but one day we had this fight on AOL (of all places) and we never spoke to each other again. I have been thinking about her a bit the last couple of days and yesterday, I had a dream about her. I was in line at a cafeteria or something and she was behind the counter. I asked for a piece of cake and she gave it to me and I told her we should talk or something and maybe we'd be friends again. But I never ate the cake. I just carried it around for the rest of the dream. It was like that old proverb--I want to have my cake and eat it, too. That's the thing, though, I didn't eat it. And then today, on AOL--there she was! After two years of never seeing her online, there she was. And you know why I didn't say anything? Because I had that dream. It's like Energy was telling me that we would be friends again (I would have my cake) but it wouldn't be any fun and I wouldn't get anything out of it (hence--my not getting to eat it.) Drawing parallels with symbols in life. Risky, risky business.
Ahhh, how lovely to have a day off. But you know the shitty thing about staying home sick? You actually are sick. Or at least, I am. And I'm going to have a butt-load of work to make up but I suppose that doesn't matter too much. In any case, due to my lack of something really interesting to say, I will tell you about my halloween costume.
I'm going to be a record executive. I'm going to the Salvation Army and buying a cheap suit. Then, I'm going to take a black sharpie and write "I exploit teenage girls" on the front of my white shirt. I'm going to slick back my hair in a ponytail and paint on big ugly eyebrows and a mustache. Diana said she would be my teenybopper and I'm going to sell 'N Sync and Britney Spears CDs to her all night long. It will be beautiful. Half the people I've told this to said they didn't get it. Well, fuck them. I get it. I think it's hilarious.
I was reading Bobbie's journal when I got sidetracked by one of her posts and had to go take some tests at fuali. SO:
I am 15% punk. Reasonable.
33% goth. Overstated.
25% geek. Understated.
I would say I am more punk than goth but that doesn't matter. Clara knows that the topic of being "punk" is a sticky one that everyone loves to bitch about but there's no rule book so everyone sucks. (Not that I personally know Clara. I just read her blog.)
My mother was in here a little while ago looking at the pictures in our bookshelf (my computer is in our den). She was going through the albums from her and Elliot (my stepfather)'s wedding. She was really really big back then and since, because of cancer, has lost a ton of weight. But she was flipping through these albums like "damn, I was really fat." I was just looking at her, boggling my eyes. A sickness is what made her thin. She's abnormally thin for her age and build. But that's what society wants her to be, right? It's so depressing.
Yeah, so Wake Forest University wants to know (in a "multi-paragraph, essay style" response) what my "academic passion" is. Fuck if I know. And all these schools want to know why I want to go to their school. Why? Because it doesn't snow there and I can't stay in California and I've worked my ass off to get into a prestigious school like theirs. That's my answer. I don't have a really good, bullshit one. I don't even care if I get into Wake Forest. It'd just sound nice. "I graduated from Wake Forest University." I better freaking get into Tulane. I want to live in New Orleans. God, I wish I had something interesting to say.
I don't know why I bother making these new layouts. I'm never satisfied with them. I wish I had some space of my own that would load within a decent amount of time and not make my page look shitty. I have no problem with my own layouts. I have a problem with how slow they load.
In other news, though, I filled out my Davidson application, well...some of it. Ahh, colleges make me angry. Oh, and I did my personal statement. I don't expect anyone would want it (of the thousands of people clamouring to my site everyday), so if anyone's interested:
There I was. Sitting in the middle of eight hundred sophomores afraid to raise my hand. Fast forward to senior year I’m president of my delegation and asking about forms to run for Presiding Commissioner of the NIC. This is the change that has taken place in me over three years. This is what I have to thank Youth and Government for. It is a program with a corny name, but I have come to cherish my delegation meetings and our time at Camp Roberts and in Sacramento more than any other.
Youth and Government is designed to teach kids about government but what it has become is something completely different. Y&G to me is a place where kids come together to be real, honest and outstanding. It has changed my outlook on humanity. The atmosphere at the conferences has shaped and molded the person who I am. Coming back from a Youth and Government conference, I am friendlier and more open to ideas and insight from my fellow men and women. These three trips a year rip me out of the monotony of school life and jettison me into a world where everyone is involved in politics, wants to talk and is concerned with my opinion. I find that I want to hear theirs, as well.
Youth and Government, with its liberals, conservatives and everything in-between has taught me so much about patience. People with a hundred different ideas a minute crowd the chamber rooms. When I find myself one of them, I am infinitely proud of the fact that I am a Youth and Government member. Nothing could please me more than to be associated with this program. I can only hope that the outlook on the world I have received from Youth and Government stays with me throughout my college experience and on into my adult life.
And one more thing. Counting Crows is going to have a new CD out sometime soon. They've been playing their new material on tour. Damn. I can't wait. I wish I lived on the east coast right now. I'd drive four hours to see them.
Beauty. Oh, we are so obsessed with beauty. Tell me I'm beautiful. Oh God, send me someone to make me beautiful. Powder, now. Powder's afraid of being ugly, of being unwanted. But he is the most beautiful person she has ever seen. I just want to kiss him. Reach right into the screen and kiss him right on the lips and make him beautiful. I hate that I think that. I hate that I think that way, that someone is going to reach down out of the sky and make me beautiful. That someone's words could change me. Change the way I see myself. Beauty isn't a gift. It has to be seen inside yourself. I have to see it in myself before anyone can lay it on me like a blanket. Powder only wanted to be loved. Only wanted to be loved and it's so romantic, isn't it? I don't feel romantic. I feel pressed, shelved. I'm dreading him calling. Is that stupid or what? I am such a little girl. College is going to come like a smack in the face. Right across the cheek. Bam! Right there.
I really am a bad person. A scared, crazy little girl. But maybe that's not the truth. I don't know what the truth is. Lord knows I understand my own motivation but it stands that I am puzzled by this one. What I feel, my friends, is that I don't like him anymore at all. I'm not sure I even liked him in the first place. He fucking wants to (and I'm paraphrasing here) 'kill everyone in Afghanistan.' It's not just that, though. That is important to me but it's not everything. We don't have a damn thing in common except for the fact that he likes me.
But here's where I'm at. I've never been here before. I don't want to push him away just because I've never been in a real relationship. However, I have no problem pushing him away if it's because we don't get along and I don't like him. I just don't want to dislike him for the wrong reasons.
But fuck human relationships, right? I'm watching The Devil's Advocate right now. It's one of my favourite movies, though I don't own it. I think it's brilliant. And I'm sorry, I really am, but I haven't been feeling poetic and I haven't had any prose to deliver for weeks. Noramlly I've got all kinds of brilliant shit brewing in my head but nothing right now. I know, I know, I suck. I suck.
So we're still bombing. And now, apparently, there are ground troops in Afghanistan. Hate me or not, I am completely against bombing this country. I got into a little tiff about it with this guy I'm talking to right now. ::sigh:: I hate arguing about it. I just want it to go away. I know I can't do anything about it, so I don't want to talk about it. Yay Berkeley, but really, what's that going to do? Nothing. 90% of the country supports this action and we do have a democracy. Fuck democracy. Let the smart people lead.
Yeah. So apparently, audiogalaxy is extremely protectant of its Ben Folds Five mp3s. Just trying to get some new freaking music! Damn. Normally, the program is very obliging. It must be having a bad day. In any case, BFF is in a Counting Crows song I own and I have been meaning to download some of their music but ::sigh:: the damn thing is just saying no. Everybody quotes them. They must be good. And amazon said it was a piano-led band or something like that. I thought my Christ, it could be another Counting Crows but who knows. I guess I won't find out until audiogalaxy lets up a little. Sheesh.
So I finally got the goddamn ads off this page. Yay for me, I suppose. I just feel so guilty covering them up. In any case, I hope they're gone now, like the email said.
There's that saying, you know..."absence makes the heart grow fonder." I think I believe it. But whoever said it had it all wrong. Or at least, we're interpreting it wrong. People grow in your heart when they are not away but they do not grow in that they are themselves. They grow into what you want them to be. The actual person is never the same as the one you mold and invent from the real thing over time. If you see someone every day, your mind doesn't have the time to shape that person in your head. If you go a long time without seeing someone, though, they become fuzzy and your brain fills in the holes with your ideal man. The man. The only one. The every one. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just insane. But it's strange how I can feel it happen.
You know, honestly, not that it's become anything or that I completely expect it to, but this is the first real thing that's happened to me relationship-wise ever. My only boyfriend was in the 7th grade. Ryan Nicholas. He was an asshole. I tried to dump him over email but it didn't work. He dumped me in public and said he never even got my email. It was really stupid too because we were really good friends and then once we put that label on it, we never talked to each other. It was stupid stupid stupid. Dumb 7th-grade relationships. But if I think about it and am really honest with myself, I realize that I am the same person. I have to push myself to be the person I want to be. I have to try.
Oh my CHRIST last night was weird. I'm coming to terms with it...slowly. Damn/bless tequila shots, Montreal. ::sigh:: So weird. I may or may not choose to elaborate later (perhaps when I'm less hungover.)
I'm so bad at this layout thing. But at least it's done. For now. The links look like shit. I'll work on that later when I'm not going out with the guy from my DVC class that I've been flirting with all year.
I'm building my second Saving Space mix. I just love having a cd burner. I can't tell you how much joy it brings into my life. I wait until I have about 18-20 songs on my playlist (I download them from audiogalaxy) and then I make a CD out of them. I only have one saving space mix so far, but I expect to have a library of them by the time...well, by the time internet music has been obliterated. What should the next song I download be? Right now my player is doing "Take it to Da House." That's the way we take it to the house! Damn. I just noticed Blogger isn't allowing publishing right now. I hate it when they do that. Grr. I have nothing of substance to say. Except that I'm currently looking for motivation. A reason to get up in the morning and get ready. What I really want to do is wear pajamas every day and skip the shower, makeup and hair. I need a reason to look good. Where the boys be at I can drool over?
My mother is such a child. My stepfather left for New York yesterday, so she decides she's going to take off work today and tomorrow. Probably Friday, too. It's as though Elliot is the police around here and she is his people. My brother and I operate outside of that. It's really really stupid that she does this. And it's the third day I've missed El Precio de tu Amor.
It's before school. I don't normally post at this time, but my brother left the computer on so if we're going to waste the energy anyway, we might as well get something out of it. I don't really have a lot to say. I had a conversation with Phil yesterday after Y&G about myself and Scott. It's really hard to explain in words the way my mind works. I know myself so damn well that I can hardly spit out what I'm saying to anyone else without it sounding incredibly wrong. I say, "I like Scott," but that's not really true. And I say, "I like the Scott in my head," but that doesn't make sense. Neither are true...completely. It's very difficult for me to articulate my point on this. Normally I just fester in it and it eats me away from the inside. I'm smiling.
An argument with my father:
elupin1: Hi, Amber
SapGirly: What's up, Dad?
elupin1: Leoanrd is sick
elupin1: He has a cough and fever
SapGirly: I'm sorry
elupin1: How about you?
SapGirly: I'm fine physically. I'm very upset about the bombing of Afghanistan.
elupin1: What would you do?
SapGirly: I don't have a solution. I don't believe I need a solution. We should no more be bombing the country than throwing grapefruits on them or publicly stating that everyone not American is a donkey. There's stuff that just shouldn't be done. Killing a bunch of people is one of those things.
elupin1: The Taliban is harboring a murderer
elupin1: So you think we shouldn't retaliate?
SapGirly: I think there must be a hundred other ways to handle this situation which I cannot possibly be familiar with, not being in government. I think murder is wrong. I think killing people is wrong, whoever we are killing.
elupin1: Suppose someone comes up to you and punches you in the stomach as hard as he can
elupin1: Now you get up and do nothing
elupin1: Then he punches you again
elupin1: Now what do you do?
SapGirly: I think it should be noted that the United States is a person and Afghanistan is not a fist. We are diplomatic countries, comprised of citizens with working governments. I do not punch him back. I hold his fist.
elupin1: Hold his fist?
elupin1: We asked the Taliban to hand over bin Laden
SapGirly: Yes.
elupin1: They refused
elupin1: DIplomacy done
SapGirly: Hand him over. Right. So we can do what? Kill him? We have world courts and what not. What would we have done if they had handed him over?
elupin1: Try him and execute him
elupin1: Just like Timothy McVeigh
SapGirly: The government should not be operating off the knee-jerk reactions of its citizens. Americans want revenge. The government should have more prudence than that.
SapGirly: Yes. Just like Timothy McVeigh--who absolutely acted alone.
elupin1: This is not a knee-jerk reaction
SapGirly: No?
elupin1: No
SapGirly: Right.
elupin1: Clinton executed knee-jerk reactions in bombing aspirin factories
elupin1: to cover up perjury
elupin1: This is a wel-planned asault on terrorism
elupin1: The whole world is going to be a safer place
SapGirly: That's the craziest, stupid crap I've heard all day, Dad.
SapGirly: There's 100 Osama bin Ladens in this world.
SapGirly: 1,000
elupin1: We will prevent them all from establishing the terroist networks needed to perform these acts
elupin1: There may be individual suicide bombers. There will no longer be
elupin1: organizations of terrosits
elupin1: We have been at war for 20 years
elupin1: since the barracks were bombed in Beirut
elupin1: maybe beofre that
SapGirly: We can't kill everyone. We shouldn't kill anyone. That's ridiculous! How can you possibly think that by bombing this one country we will rid the world of terrorism?! Did you not see the pro-bin Laden demonstrations today?
elupin1: We don't have to kill everyone
elupin1: We get the leaders, make it very difficult to build training bases and we allow capitalism to flourish
SapGirly: "allow capitalism to flourish". Because there's no other way than the American way, is there?
elupin1: History has proven that
elupin1: Capitalism is not American
elupin1: It is freedom
elupin1: And it is spreading
elupin1: That's what motivates the bin Laden's
elupin1: They will lose their power in a free, democratic world
SapGirly: History has proven that America funds whoever will benefit them most, wreaks havoc on 3rd world countries by exploiting children and the poor. Big business, the child of capitalism keeps these countries in poverty. We haven't helped anyone. We have only helped ourselves. America needs impoverished countries to survive.
elupin1: What ahve you been smoking?
SapGirly: What have you been reading?
SapGirly: I've been studying history.
SapGirly: And government.
elupin1: I have lived through the history
SapGirly: I'm living through it right now.
elupin1: What happened to the USSR?
SapGirly: The USSR started out with a brilliant plan but the leaders became corrupt and it fell apart.
elupin1: The planitself was inherently coorrupt
elupin1: Totally unworkable in a real world
elupin1: Freedom won
SapGirly: Totally unworkable in a capitalist world
elupin1: The USSR is gone
elupin1: Capitalism is the way
elupin1: Capitalism is freedom
SapGirly: freedom for us puts others in chains
elupin1: It is the right of every person on Earth
SapGirly: our freedom is different from other peoples' freedom. I, personally, would rather live in a fair world than a free one.
elupin1: Everywhere it's tried it results in improved standards of living
elupin1: Who decides what is fair?
SapGirly: everywhere we've forced it upon other countries we have helped them crawl up
elupin1: bin Laden or other despots?
SapGirly: I would rather be equal
elupin1: Where everyone is at the lowest common denominator?
elupin1: That wa the USSR
elupin1: was
SapGirly: Equals. Man. Man. Man. Man. There is no greater, lesser.
elupin1: Who enforces this equality?
SapGirly: I am not a capitalist.
SapGirly: I am a socialist.
elupin1: You will be someday
SapGirly: I highly doubt that.
elupin1: Socialism is a pipe dream
SapGirly: I exploit the way this country works because I can. If and when I am called on to act, I will.
elupin1: It does not work in a real world
SapGirly: It works when it's worldwide.
elupin1: Are you mad?
SapGirly: until that day it is a dream
SapGirly: are you?
elupin1: It has utterly failed wherever it has been tried
elupin1: Do you know what happened to the Pilgrims?
SapGirly: the pilgrims?
elupin1: Yes, you know the ones that came to Plymouth Rock
SapGirly: go on then
elupin1: Read this: http://www.silcom.com/`taxabo/thanks.htm elupin1: Human nature prevents socialsim from working
SapGirly: Whether or not socialism is the answer, it is plainly evident that capitalism is an evil, exploitative enterprise that leaves few incredibly wealthy and the vast majority tireless workers with no reward. Only the increased restriction on this capitalism, a move towards socialism, has decreased the amount at which the people suffer under capitalism
elupin1: You are soaking up Marxist propaganda from somewhere. I hope it's not your school
elupin1: Bill Gates has provided jobs for millions of people
elupin1: Is he one of your exploiters?
SapGirly: Of course not. They only teach us what we are supposed to hear.
In today's industry, we are protected by government. 100 years ago the big bosses exploited people like crazy. THAT is pure capitalism
elupin1: No, that was the inevitable result of the Industrial Revolution
elupin1: where milliopns of people had to get re-educated
elupin1: in order to find work i a new environemnt
elupin1: They were a lot better off working for low wages than starving
SapGirly: that's a weak answer. capitalism only works when the government makes sure people aren't being trampled on, which they were and still are
elupin1: We could use a lot more trampling, in that event. Have you seen how they live in Afghanistan?
elupin1: The poorest people in this country live like kings compared to half the world's population
elupin1: Why do you think millions of people a year are trying to get into the US?>
SapGirly: Yes, but that is simply because we have more money to go around because of the way things have unfolded for us. There must be poor people in this world.
SapGirly: America would not be America if it could not get cheap labour in other parts of the world
elupin1: There will be until democracy and capitalism are everywhere
elupin1: Wrong again, I'm afraid
elupin1: read about Hong Kong
SapGirly: NO? Cocoa factories, Nike shoe factories, etc. Big business relies heavily on labour from other countries
elupin1: What we call sweatshops, those people call a chance to feed their families
SapGirly: You support that kind of action?
elupin1: I don't condone slavery
elupin1: I have to leave pretty soon
elupin1: Please do study the history of Hong Kong, or maybe Taiwan
He makes me so angry. How did he birthe me? We are so different.
And something I wrote in psychology, bored with our article:
"Got you where I want you." I have him exactly where I want him. My psychological problem--my human (one of my many human) flaws is this moving people out of my reality. Literally shoving these guys right out of my life to make room for them in my head. [Where they are safely tucked away and I can use them whenever I need.] What never exists in reality always winds up in my mind. How easy it is for me to throw him away physically and keep him mentally. HIM! The same guy every time. Over and over again. Hm him him. YOu in my poems. In my bed. On my lips. A man, a boy--the one? Not really. Eh. This is so stupid. It's a waste of my time if I'm not writing about it. I want I want I want is an old story, an old experience. I'm not learning a damn thing. I just repeat the same old mistakes. [And I do.]
Edward Norton is in this movie I'm watching. So are Jenna Elfman and Ben Stiller. It's Saturday and no one called and I have no ideas so I think I'm staying home. This sucks. I don't even have any homework to do and no one good is playing. Not even in the city. No one cool is having a party. Life is slow. Someone send me an interesting email or something.
Bleh! Shitty days. Last night was the DV vs. Antioch game. They're our rivals, but we're not theirs. Pit is theirs. But whatever. In any case, we lost. The game was shitty. The only touchdown was before I even showed up. We didn't even do anything afterwards!! We spent the whole night trying to call Josh on his cell because he had turned it off, only to go back home to Kelly's house and have it work but to find out that Jenn's parents really aren't gone and she's back home and he and Chris aren't doing anything. I went home last night at 12 and went to bed. It really blew.
Then, I decide that I'm not going to bother setting my alarm ahead anything to get up this morning. I was supposed to go to a little league game to sell candy. So I'm up right now and it's 7:30 am on a Saturday morning and the phone starts ringing. I thought it was for my stepdad because he goes to work this early and sometimes his dumbass friend calls and wakes everybody up. But it wasn't his stupid ride. It was Megan (our advisor), telling me that she can't make it this morning and that I should go back to bed. Grr. I was like "right. thank you Megan." It really ticks me off. We tried calling her all of yesterday and her phone wasn't working and she wasn't at our YMCA. It really ticks me off that she waits until 7:30 am on Saturday morning to tell us about this. Bitch and a half, man. I'm telling you. Last night sucked.
I really really hate this. Okay. If you click on this link, and then hit back, the image shows up. But not otherwise. What the heck? I can't figure this one out. I've tried a lot of things. It's not the style sheet, it's not the image. I can't think what the problem is. Grr. Screw it. Who needs layout?
Goddamn freehomepages.com to hell. The fuckers weren't letting my image load! Goddamn them!!! I need a site that's reliable and free. Virtue is never running and envy won't let me link images from their server. What the hell is a girl on blogger with no web space of her own to do? Grr. Well, at least my site loads...today.
Okay, I swear this is the last thing I'll say. Envy is being a bitch and not letting me find out what's wrong with the set up, so I'm going to leave it ugly. Fuck aesthetics. I can deal for a day or two. My question for all believers is: Where does the orange brick road go? (Come on people--get the net.) I want an answer!
My layout isn't working. It's a really, really simple layout and the fucker isn't working and it's making me frustrated. So I'll talk about my current emotional situation. Ah, being a teenager. I was driving home from DVC (Diablo Valley College) on Monday, thinking about how things went down with Scott and for the first time, turning fingers around and blaming myself. Okay, here's the deal: it's not that I spend all my time thinking about boys. I really don't, I swear. I just...I don't have much else to do on long drives to and from school, okay? In any case, I was blaming myself. I was saying (to myself) that I'm just a little girl. But then I thought that it's not my fault. It's not anyone's fault. There doesn't exist a fault. Stuff happens and it just happens--there's no blame. No blame. I like that a lot better. I was screaming at myself, "It's not your fault!!" I said, "I shouldn't be so hard on myself."
I love you so much; can't count all the ways I'd die for you girl and all they can say is, "He's not your kind." Ah, love.
So now I've got a simpler, uglier layout. Oh well. I figured out the problem. Here's how I work the image deal: since I don't have any web space of my own, I use virtue.nu's server to store my pictures on because they're generally faster than envy.nu, but they've been having some problems lately and I don't know what. So the page would load because blogger (where I publish this) is working just fine, but virtue's server is down so the image doesn't load (because that's where it's stored). ANYWAY, I decided to store my pictures someplace else so this shouldn't happen anymore. Right. And I decided there's way too much stuff on this page so I'm limiting it to the last 30 days' posts. Nobody's going to go back and read about all summer anyway. Mwah, to be annoying.
I'm writing this because I just found out somebodyactually reads my blog. (Hi Torie! -- and Lisa, if you're there) ANYWAY--big happenings today, let me tell you. I was just elected president of my delegation in Youth & Government. For those of you that don't know (ha), Y&G is a program where you train and train to become a part of California's mock government and then for one week, we all go up to Sacramento (the capital for all non-geography wizards), take it over and make a bunch of fake legislation. It sounds lame, but it's really cool and now I am delegation president. Yay. Nothing new with Phil, Kel (who, by the way, have pretty much made up. happiness.), Scott (bleh). Oh! But I did pimp on my DVC guy since last time. We exchanged phone numbers which is more than I normally do when I like someone. Wait, that's gotta be it. I don't actually like this guy. He's just kind of there and we hang out in class. Maybe that's just the ticket. Well in any case, we exchanged phone numbers but I didn't call him and he didn't call me. Whatever. He said he would take me clubbin' which would be cool because I've never been. I'm turning 18 on a Friday (March 1st), so I want Kel to take me cuz she will already by then. ( I believe her birthday is in November. Oh yeah! It's on Thanksgiving. That makes it a lot easier.) SO! That's all there is with me. No new piece of poetry or insight or anything. Nah. Just life. And I recited my sonnet today for AP English. I got very nervous which is weird for me. I started shaking and everything but I managed to get through it. Want to hear?
Thou blind fool, Love, what dost thou to my eyes
That they behold and see not what they see?
They know what beauty is, see where it lies,
Yet what the best is, take the worst to be.
If eyes, corrupt by overpartial looks,
Be anchored in the bay where all men ride,
Why of eyes' falsehood hast thou forg'ed hooks,
Whereto the judgement of my heart is tied?
Why should my heart think that a several plot,
Which my heart knows the wide world's common place?
Or mine eyes seeing this, say this is not,
To put fair truth upon so foul a face?
In things right true my heart and eyes have erred,
And to this false plague are they now transferred.
(Email me for dramatic interpretation or literary analysis. Right. Seriously, I'll tell you. Goodnight world.)
