name: amber
age: 22
location: new orleans
aim: sapgirly mail work
September 30, 2002
Is it just me or is the blogging community getting older? When I started this whole web thing, I was maybe fourteen and it seemed like the majority of the websites I saw were other 14, 15, 16 year-olds. I never read college-peoples' blogs. Their lives seemed imaginably far away. But I was at many of the same places I am now and it seems like the majority of the sites are those college-people. It's been a while since I've stumbled upon a 14, 15, 16 year-old's site. And I'm only eighteen and I've only just arrived at college, but it seems like everyone is growing up. Maybe it's just me, but it seems that the web's getting older. The community's getting older.
I've always been a thinker but now I have a lot of time where I can just sit and think. Or walk and think. Or eat and think. I eat and think a lot. Something I was thinking about today was the fact that these four months here have little connection to the rest of my life--my four months here at Tulane are just a detour, an obstacle, blocking me from the rest of my life. If I am forced to stay here for another semester, it will be an entire year of my life wasted.
I used to think that I needed two things to be happy: to be on my way to being a doctor and Joey. I thought with these two things I could make anything work. And now I realize that there's only one thing I need. It's difficult, though. I could be with Joey in a vacuum--if we could live in a complete vacuum I would, if that were the choice. I would give up everything, just to have him. But in this world, there's a million other things to worry about. There's money and food and education and parents and all these things must be dealt with. But education, money and parents are the big things right now. His are alright with him coming home for the semester and going to Riverside. Mine are dubious. I think I've got my father, as all he cares about is that I make money. Ha. And my mother doesn't know what's best for me--only what she thinks is best for me. I know that I need this. I don't want to come home. I don't want to live with my mother and stepfather and brother anymore. I would be thrilled if I never had to do that again for the rest of my life. But I need Joey. And I hate it here. It's not the city--the city in my ways is better than I imagined it to be. But the school, the people...I just don't get along here.
I realized this again, as people were coming back today. By now, my entire floor has returned. And as slow as it was, I liked it better with nobody here. I liked going into the cafeteria and knowing that I didn't know anybody in the room and feeling totally justified sitting by myself. I liked having my door open and having nobody walk by all day. I liked saying hi to people simply because you had something in common -- you were both staying. I liked hanging out with the two girls left on my floor. I liked sitting around and doing nothing and not worrying about it because that's what everybody was doing. I liked that feeling of privacy that comes from being in a place that doesn't have 50 people on your floor. What did I not like? The fact that there was nothing to do, that the movies didn't show, that there was no one at the front desk. But I would give that up just to have some peace for the next 3 months. And three months seems so long. But you know what? It's shorter than 4. It's a lot shorter than four.
My topic for today's discussion is casual sex. I have never had casual sex nor do I ever suppose to. There are lots of girls on my floor who do have casual sex, in fact...most of them (the ones without boyfriends anyway). I do not understand this at all. Even if I was single, I couldn't see myself bringing a guy home and sleeping with him. Yes, I'm kind of a virgin, but I still don't envision myself ever acting like that. I heard a girl today expressing her concern at the fact that she hadn't gotten her period yet.
And another thing--I am thankful for my boyfriend for a countless number of reasons but here's another: If I didn't plan on being with my Joey forever, I would wonder about the people I see. I would consider them, relationship-wise. I am so grateful that I don't ever have to look at another guy that way for the rest of my life. I killed myself over trying to get guys to like me. Now I've got the one and it's so much better than trying to find someone. As much as the whole does-he-like-me bit is dramatic, it's also painful and time-consuming and gut-wrenching and awful. Maybe it's a high school thing and nobody's like that further on but I can feel that that's the way I still would be if I wasn't with Joey. It's so much safer to have a boyfriend. If you just mention it in the first five minutes of conversation, you know the person is talking to you because they think you're cool, not because you might fuck them later. Which is insane. So now I love hanging out with guys--as long as they know I'm not single. The people that call or want to hang out or talk to me like me as a person and that's so much better than wondering if they like me as more than that. Yeah, but casual sex is bad if you don't use a condom. (Just had to throw that in there--don't let yourself be the one with the when-is-my-period-coming problem.)
I know you all don't want to hear it, but my boyfriend is so sweet. Plus, I needed to post something to make my template changes work. It's still very slow here--but at least Bruff is open. As much as the cafeteria is the last place you want to eat, it sucks ass when it's taken away from you. Yay for Bruff!!
So, are y'all interested in knowing what "it matters now" is supposed to mean? Okay, I'll tell you. When I'm in a bad part of my life or even just down, the things that really bother me--like not being liked or invited places or anything that's making me down, I tell myself "it doesn't really matter." But the thing is, now I'm in New Orleans, at Tulane, 2500 miles from the man I love and all of it matters now. It matters whether or not I pull perfect grades so I can get into med school. It matters whether or not I make friends because if I don't, then I'm all alone here. All the things that I used to be able to brush off suddenly count. A lot. And it's hard. So that's what my life is like now--where before I could afford not to give a shit, now I have to.
Yay. Now it works. Why? It should have in the first place. It's been so damn long since I did any of this HTML stuff maybe I'm just really bad at it now...::shrug:: In any case, I realized that I got free webspace from my school so now I can have a pretty site (well, pending response) and I can put up pictures and stuff. Yay, it's working.
You wouldn't believe how bored I am and:
I've gotten to the point where on the "recently published" blogs, I read the ones that are not from blogspot first. I feel guilty about this mostly because I am on blogspot as well. Some people have hosts and they have crap-ass sites. Others have hosts and they have amazing sites. Still more buy their own sites. I have been in all three of these situations and here I am--back at blogspot. Oh well. It doesn't bother me much anymore except that I don't get to have any pictures on my site because I can't link them from anywhere and I hate hate hate banner ads. I'd rather have it plain than ad-happy. Somebody sedate me.
So the hurricane passed overnight. I went to bed and it was raining like crazy and it hasn't rained at all the last 3 hours. Dammit, too. I was enjoying the crazy weather. But now the problem is that I have another 4 days to go sitting here and doing nothing. I've been up since 1 and I've seen one person walk by my door. People don't get up here until what, like 5 or 6? I haven't seen Yoni, Scott or Ted since I went to the grocery store with them two days ago. They've like dropped off the face of the planet. How can you lose people when you're locked inside a dorm building and they live on your floor? They've locked us in, too. I tried to go out this morning and the door was locked. We're freaking trapped in our dorm buildilng! ...I suppose I'll see them at some point over the next four days. Jesus. It seems like so long to wait. There's not even crazy hurricane shit going on anymore and everyone's still gone. And the cable's out. My primary source of entertainment.
And, by the way, I did hang out with people last night. No one leaves their rooms until 10, I guess. Dammit, it's only 4.
I suppose there should be something more to say about a near hurricane hitting you than this:
There's maybe 100 people left in my dorm...if that. Probably a lot less than that, actually. More like 30 or 40. And I can't help but feel sorry for myself. The majority of them are upstairs right now and I can't bring myself to just drag my ass upstairs. What in the f is wrong with me? I don't know. Can't tell you. But every time somebody walks by my door, I wish they would stop and say "hey, why don't you come upstairs with me. People are hanging out." And it's going to be like this for the next four days--people aren't returning until Sunday. We get more time off for this fucking hurricane than for Thanksgiving. And damn it if my family doesn't have the money to ship me home like everybody else. At least you know now who the people here on scholarship are. Ha.
"So Amber, how is it to discover, again and again, that you are high maitenance?"
"It sucks."
I never thought I was one of those girls that needed constant attention and stuff. I always thought I would be a great girlfriend because I wouldn't hardly ever want to hang out or need to talk on the phone or anything but...I do. So I write emails and when they go unanswered I get really upset. Why do I get so upset? I think about an episode of Dr. Phil I watched the other day (the first and...okay, it probably won't be the last) and the girl on there was told, by Dr. Phil, that she felt that when her husband didn't take out the trash that he didn't love her. And that's very close to how I feel when my boyfriend doesn't reply or doesn't call or whatever and as much as I attempt not to show this, it still bothers me and that's what having a journal is about--to rant and bitch and just in general feel sorry for yourself. This, of course, is not a journal but a blog and is therefore supposed to entertain but I think the great thing about blogs is that they are online journals and that people can know anything you want them to know about you--as long as you are obvious. So I try not to think about him not responding to things I expect him to respond to as a sign of his waning love or anything like that.
Because I think I am beginning to understand the dynamic of a serious relationship. A large part is your mutual trust that the person you are with still loves you. The fact that I worry about this gives away the length of our relationship--almost six months. A large part of any relationship is the faith that the person still loves you, still cares, still wants to be with you. This is one of the hard parts about being in a relationship (as far as I have been able to determine) -- not knowing, but trusting. Not that it is hard to trust your love (and I do trust him) but that you have to put your heart in someone else's hands and just let go. That letting go is very difficult for me. Maybe it's not for everyone else. It gets easier with time. Much like putting your trust in God, if you believe. If you do, then it's all or nothing. Such is the same with love in a romantic relationship. Either all his love, eternally, or nothing at all. So just to know that you can trust is enough, but you have to trust. That's the part you have to get past, to swallow it and to stand tall in light of it. That's when you feel good, when you stop doubting; when you just let go and wait for the inevitable future--when we can be together.
The main thing that keeps me from writing here is thinking that no one will read it. But that's stupid. No one read it before and I liked it just fine. What I disliked was looking at my empty guestbook. I don't have a counter. I'm in denial. And I know that anyone that might have read this has long since disappeared. So I will write here and not worry one little bit about publicity. And I can talk freely about whatever I like.
And I'll start with tonight, at dinner. I started out sitting by myself, after seeing a group of people I know eating at one the big tables. I did not sit by them because I don't go and sit by people. In general, I do not get asked to sit with other people. I've come to terms with being boring. But I was invited to sit with these people--the names of most I know. I found myself sitting among these people, thinking how nice one guy in particular, Yoni, was. But that's just the thing--the people that are nice and they're nice to everything. I am so guarded. I was thinking, before I started writing this and, indeed, until I checked to see if I could use Yoni's entire name (which, by the way, I won't, because his name didn't turn up on google at all), at which point I realized that this is not a virtue and is not particularly intelligent, but it is closed-off. I was thinking, sitting among these nice, inviting people, that they were not my friends and that I had better keep that in mind. I actually said to myself, "Amber, don't think that these people are your friends because they're not." And I know that they're not but I don't think about the fact that they could eventually be. I don't think that at all. I am severely messed up. Or maybe I'm just very careful. Or maybe I want to fail socially here. Or maybe I've always been like this and I don't want to face reality and say things like "maybe I want to fail socially here." ::sigh:: Maybe I am boring only because I won't accept that people could get along with me. The one person that did I decided to reject and he won't go away. It's very awkward facing two different situations at practically the same time--trying to acquire friends that I like while attempting to ditch the one I have. At least I have a couple people to say "hi" to in the hall. (Did I mention that Tulane blows? Okay, it doesn't. It's just the way I've put myself here and the way that I am here blows. It would take a long time to explain or I could just put it a way that no one will understand. It's so melodramatic, though, isn't it? I miss my boyfriend. Yeah, don't you just despise me for saying it like that? But then again, there is no you. Ha. I win.)
So I've been writing these journal-type things on the computer and I figured I might as well post them here.
Quick update: I recently moved to New Orleans to go to college from California. I desperately miss my boyfriend and have every intention of returning to California at the semester.
So, I've become kind of desperate for a moment alone. It's very weird living with someone else after living with just myself (in my own room anyway) after so long. At home, I got a lot of time to myself. Well, I spent a lot of time with my boyfriend but then I would go home at night and chill with myself and I would almost always wake up much earlier than Joey and it would just be me for a little while. Though of course at the time I did not appreciate this me-time, it's hard not to now. It's very difficult to always be with somebody else, even if it's somebody I get along with. Jessie (my roommate) is a very nice person and we have a lot in common but it sucks having to ask if she wants to watch a movie or if she's cool with the TV program and then she doesn't plug in the answering machine when she leaves and a million other things. Blah. It's not that we don't get along. We really do. I just miss living with just myself. I could live very easily with Joey, I believe, just because I love him so much and for no other reason. He's easy to get along with, yes, but why would you want to live with someone if you didn't love them unconditionally? I very much want to get on with it and get back home.
