name: amber
age: 22
location: new orleans
aim: sapgirly mail work
February 28, 2003
"Happy Birthday to me ... kind of." As I was born on Leap Year's, I don't really get a birthday this year. But you know what that means? I celebrate it three days in a row -- birthday dinner Thursday and parades, drinking and parties Friday on into Saturday. Hell, I'll probably celebrate tomorrow night, too. What are birthdays for? I'm so glad I was born.
I get hummus and pita bread tonight. I'm so excited. And more Mardi Gras parades. And happiness in New Orleans. What else could I want? A boyfriend? Okay, maybe I could want that. But it's hard to recognize the fact that you don't have a boyfriend when you've got so much hummus.
I think I may not have ever gotten over that "sun rises and sets on my head" phase. Because I expect, when people don't talk to me, that their lives are at a standstill. When I find out big things are happening in the lives of people I used to hang out with all the time, it honestly baffles me. How could that happen without my consent? This is how ridiculous and young I am.
I like to pretend sometimes, most of the time, that things don't matter to me. Maybe it's not so much pretending, even, as attempting to change myself -- to better myself -- in order to be a happier person. And then again, it might not even be about happiness, but rather attemtping to make myself less pathetic in my own eyes. I play out (in my head, of course) scenes from my life where I have said or done something stupid or embarassing and I keep these events right in the front of my mind and have to relive them over and over and over. And then, in moments of weakness and other times, I just give up on all my attempts at self-improvement and just do what I feel like doing. Regretting it later, I curse myself. All this forces me to take the opinion that "it doesn't matter." I've had this opinion off and on for a long time. Summer after sophomore year I would repeat this to myself over and over again, I recall. College makes it matter in that I had to start over. But I still think "it doesn't matter" about so many things. What happened to letting the unimportant things slide? Problem is, I have to decide what's important and what's not.
So, you're thinking things aren't going that bad. They could be going a lot better but in general, everything's working out okay. And then you hear REM's "Losing My Religion" and realize there's a whole 'nother level of woe you can't even comprehend yet.
"I'm the only one that'd drown in my desire for you." Melissa Etheridge.
"I thought I'd forgive you anything but I won't forgive you this." Me.
I breathe a huge sigh of relief at having my Counting Crows ticket. I pinned it to my board and I can look at it every day and have something supercool to look forward to. Apparently, Mike doesn't know a damn thing about tucp and tickets are being sold to the general public (but not nearly as many as are being sold to our school alone). Friends of mine are going to take them out drinking and smoke with them. I'm incredibly jealous.
We watched our last episode of My So-Called Life Today. I don't know what we'll watch now. In the last episode, Brian writes this letter through Jordan Catalano and he says that he'd go to hell if Angela asked him to. It feels like there should be something to write about that -- something good. But the last thing I wrote was this morning -- on my desk in math. It might not even be there any more. Something about leaving a poem on a desk ... I really liked doing that.
I'm sorry. I know this is #3 but it's just too good:
RASHUN01: hey sexy
SapGirly: hello
RASHUN01: wats up
SapGirly: not a damn thing
RASHUN01: can u send me a pic then
SapGirly: i don't generally trade pictures
RASHUN01: y not
RASHUN01: ur so hot
SapGirly: if you already know what i look like why do you need a picture?
RASHUN01: this is his friend
RASHUN01: he told me your hot
SapGirly: do other girls generally just send you a picture right over?
RASHUN01: yah
RASHUN01: cuz im hot
SapGirly: interesting
RASHUN01: u gotta see me
SapGirly: that's okay
RASHUN01: u know u want to
RASHUN01: will u send me oen
SapGirly: no
RASHUN01: y not
SapGirly: i see no point in sending you a picture
RASHUN01: ynot
RASHUN01: you r so mean
RASHUN01: please willu
SapGirly: there are plenty of pictures of pretty girls on the internet -- lots with no clothes on -- there's no reason why you need my picture.
SapGirly: so i have no intention of giving you one
RASHUN01: now i think your ugly
SapGirly: i'm so hurt
RASHUN01: urugly face is hurt
Side note: I make myself so unhappy. Where's my goddamn 80's music?
I don't even know what I want. You ask me to have a preference -- tell me what you want and I don't even know. I want it to be like lightning -- like magic. I want to just know. I don't want to have to think about it. I want it to fall right into my lap without having to work at it. I want things to be easy. I want everything to come right into its place. I want to quit working on my goddamn spanish presentation.
Got drunk. Made fool of self. Must try harder not to be such a flirt. Will clean up site and smite this disgusting heart from page. Sin embargo, crushing amounts of work. Amber out.
I actually look like a girl tonight. I took a picture. That's how infrequently I put on makeup. Even lipstick. I get out all the big guns for my first date party.
I suppose I'm entitled to get down about boys on Valentine's Day. So I end up telling Steph, while we're at the end of Sweet November, that there's nothing like being in love. Not a damn thing and if I was going to die, I'd roll around and get filthy in it. There's no way I'd give that up -- I'd be selfish and cruel and make Keanu Reeves worship the ground I walked on until my body ate me from the inside out.
Moreover, I'm convinced that the guys only interested in sex are the ones that have never been in love -- so many people have not and you can't know until you are. You really can't. And the only time I've ever been has ended far less than satisfactorily and I will be the first to admit that my relationship was far from ideal but I know what it felt like. Don't tell me I don't know cuz I do. Fucking Valentines Day. Back to Fox and the Hound.
I must be the only single girl in America having this much fun with a day that's supposed to be about romantic love. I gave most of my hall Barbie valentines. What made my day, though (so far -- Vagina Monologues at 8!), was a note on my door when I got back from LAST from the "Sharp 6 Boys." I freaking love my floor. It's a night of chinese food and girlie movies with my two best friends here -- Jessie and Steph (incidentally, current and future roommates).
(PS -- New design soon, we've passed the Valentine hump. Give me a few days.)
It never fails to creep me out when I see my screen name in other peoples' AIM profiles (because they've used %n). It always takes me a beat before I realize they haven't actually addressed me.
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD Counting Crows is coming to my school! I'm so excited! People have known of this for a week before me and a girl down my hall might get to meet them. Do you understand how completely freaking out I will be that day? My quad looks onto the loading dock for the stage. Their freaking vans and whatnot will be ON MY QUAD. Now I'm just supposed to go to bed being all excited and everything. There's so few people that are into them here -- it will be so goddamn tight to not have to hear the entire audience sing the lyrics.
I played my first intramural game of softball today. Our team is the Fightin' Biscuits (I didn't think it up). We tied 2-2. I actually managed to hit the ball every time I came up to bat. I never got past first base, though I did make it every time. I don't know what was happening on the other side of the field -- I concentrated on getting on base.
I plant my bonzai tomorrow. I'm excited about that. Yes, this is how thrilling my life is.
I received an email today that claimed it could make my penis grow five inches in weeks. Does this mean if I used their product, I would have a full, slightly less-than-average sausage "in weeks?" I think it's just as likely as someone already in possession of a penis growing it out another five inches.
Also, since I'm now an official initiate of Phi Sigma Pi, I'm supposed to wear this pin everywhere. I have no problem with this at all -- I have Phi Sig pride but I know, I just know I'm going to lose this pin and then feel really really bad.
And I may be going to a pimp 'n ho ball tomorrow. That would be pimp. Or maybe it would be ho-ey. And speaking of ho-ey, I had a dream about Joey last night for the first time in a really long time. He tried to tell me he loved me and tried to kiss me. I was trying to figure out how to get away from him. It was weird.
I love it when someone makes my point for me so I don't have to: Ktheory.com, on the current situation in the government.
Moreover, I got a bid to my frat. After tonight, I'll be a brother. How crazy is that?
With twenty-one credits, work is like the tide. For one week, I will have three chapters of reading and two sets of math problems for the entire week. The next, like this one, I will stay up until the wee hours of the night each day, after having blown my entire weekend reading and still not have caught up. I look forward to next week which has many social engagements circled on my calendar and (thankfully), no red marks (which, in Amber's happy academic world are used to write down when papers are due and the dates of tests). Things I did or have to do this week:
Monday -- Calc test. Movie with honor frat.
Tuesday -- Bio test. Ice cream with honor frat.
Wednesday -- Chem test. Spanish presentation. Dinner with friends.
Thursday -- Bio lab quiz. Hopefully a pinning ceremony with honor frat (I have no idea when I find out if I got a bid or not.)
Friday -- Current Event Roundtable with some CNN people. Getting piss-ass drunk to celebrate that the week is over.
Saturday -- Back to work.
Sunday -- The first softball game of the season. Go Fightin' Biscuits! (I didn't pick the name.)
And on top of everything else, social things going on, pre-med meetings I'm missing and as if I didn't have enough work as it is, I'm supposed to read 350 pages (50 of which I've read) for religion by a week ago and 250 pages of Latin-American studies by the 17th. So should I be going out tonight? Hell no. Is it quarter pitcher night at Waldo's? Hell yes.
