name: amber
age: 22
location: new orleans
aim: sapgirly mail work
May 31, 2003
A few choice and oddly thought-provoking quotes from a cheesy best friend thing my best friend sent me (she'l understand when I call it cheesy -- it's my way):
"Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end."
"What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?"
"Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them."
I have experience with each one of these facts of life. Except for the first one. You think that's true? Then there's quite a few things unsettled in my life. Like ... all of my past relationships.
I just walked into the living room where my mother was watching Court TV and eating a block of SPAM with a fork. Can I please, please go back to college yet? Nothing to see, nowhere to go. I wanna be sedated.
I think I'm going to finish reading Trainspotting now ... in my room.
If I believed in God as Creator I'd be really pissed at Him for making guys and girls so damn different. I will never understand guys for as long as I live. Maybe I should be a lesbian. I get my damn self. How much harder could other girls be?
In other news, I got paid today. A whopping $432.82 cents. Yay for me. Of course, I used it to open an account which means I have to keep the money in there, pretty much, to avoid a service charge. I owed my brother 80. I guess I can chill on the shopping thing for another two weeks ::sigh::
I bring you first a quote from a book I just finished for the second time, Pigs in Heaven by Barbara Kingsolver:
"Sympathizing over the behavior of men is the baking soda of women's friendships, it seems, the thing that makes them bubble and rise."
This quote has nothing to do with my mood or this post, really. In fact, I thought I had saved another quote about the emptiness of a phone call -- how loving someone over the phone is strained and awkward because there's no physical contact. I'm feeling lonely today because I'm going to get my period soon. Even though I can rationalize it as simply as that, it still feels yucky. So I'm sitting here really late at night, not wanting to go to bed and back to my mind. I only get lonely and sad and crazy when I have nothing to do -- my head gets to bubble and brew itself to death on old subjects -- I literally cannot stop beating the dead horse. I have a slew of dead horses up in my head that I constantly beat at.
Why does the summer have to be so long?
I worked almost twelve hours yesterday. I took a night shift at the Antioch store out of the goodness of my heart and it was crap. Antioch is busy as anybody's business. My store makes 300 every day at shift change -- 700 at Antioch. Yuck. So, needless to say, my feet still hurt and now I'm going back. I thought I would have excellent sleep, too, but for some reason not at all. It took me maybe 2 hours to fall asleep and then I woke up an hour before I had to get up. So I'm working on maybe 5 hours. What the hell?
In other news, I saw the Matrix on Saturday. It was pretty good. I thought the reviews were a little harsh if they were going to judge the movie independently of the first. It was pretty kick-ass but there was too much fighting and the philosophy got shoved right up into the end and concentrated in one speech so you couldn't hardly understand what was going on -- what with a thousand pictures of Keanu Reeves everywhere.
I miss everybody terribly. This place sucks. At least, it sucks until Phil and Kelly and the rest of my world gets back.
My brother participated in the Every Fifteen Minutes program. He died. This basically means that he was popular enough to serve as an icon for the student body -- or that he's someone widely known to drink and drive. I surely hope that's not the case: not only is he endangering his life and the lives of others but he drives my car.
I can't think of anything funny or enlightening to say so I'll just end it here.
I read two hundred pages of She's Come Undone last night -- up to the end. I got so angry at the characters -- at Dante. I was so worked up. If you've read it, you'll understand and if not here's an incredibly short breakdown: Dolores (the main character) knew about Dante when he was young but he didn't know about her. She went to go meet him and he ended up being a lovely, sweet guy. Then they get married and everything switches around and he's a womanizing asshole. I got so upset that a man (a MAN) would write a character like that. I began to see Wally Lamb (the author) as my mental image of Dante. "All men are bad" seemed to be the theme of the book. Until, of course, the last 20 pages when she meets the inevitable "good guy" at the end and lives happily ever after. Which is bullshit, I think. If you're going to spout that all men suck then you should stick to it. Why would this guy be sweet in the beginning and sweet thereafter? If all men are pigs then they're all pigs.
Moreover, I read the book naked, which was a mistake. I sleep naked when I don't have to share a room with someone and I was planning on going to bed after I had read for a while (which ended up being 4 1/2 hours). Reading the scenes where Dante was mean to her, where he did anal on her, where she kept recounting the day of her rape -- I felt violated. I had to finish to undo what had been done to me.
I haven't said anything for a while. I found employment. I now work as a receptionist at a salon. I think it's kind of funny, too. I actually don't hate my job which is more than some people can say. It's not so bad and in general I have something to do. Most of the time. When not, I read.
I was doing really really well about the not making a big deal out of the whole boy thing. I'm still doing excellent, considering my normal fucked-up method of overthinking everything into oblivion. Actually, I suppose I take it back. I'm doing pretty well. It could be so much worse. I just have this job where I have to stand around and take tickets and have nothing to rest my mind upon in particular so it drifts to interesting things which inevitably means boys.
Speaking of boys, I have yet to run into Joey. I hadn't even run into any of his friends until yesterday when my brother needed to go to Long's and I agreed to accompany him, begrudgingly. Saw one of his really good friends Kevin. Not that we spoke or anything but I saw him and I'm pretty sure he saw me. It's ironic and ridiculous, really: Joey told him a week before we broke up that he thought we would get married. So, needless to say, I'm trying to stay low on the radar. I've only fielded the question, "So, you still going with Joey?" like three times since I've been here.
There really is no other news -- the vast majority of my friends are still in school. I finished reading War of the Worlds. It was really good. So was Time Machine. I'm onto She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb, at the highest recommendation by my good buddy Erin.
When can I go back to Tulane? Oh yeah. In three months. ::sigh:: It's going to be a long summer, isn't it? I've only been here a week.
I'm in Antioch. Everything's exactly as I left it -- as it's like to be. My brother's still all kissy-kissy with his gilfriend which pissed me off because I had to leave my romantic interest behind. My mother's still a lush and has a temper like nobody's business. They fought all the way home. And they furthermore told me that there was "no" food in the fridge -- they told me it was "really bad." When I opened up the fridge this morning, I found a wealth, a varitable cornucopia, if you will, of edible products. College has definitely lowered my standards. There's mushrooms, english muffins, chicken patties you can cook in the oven, turkey pepperoni and vegetarian refried beans. There's even freakin' Ritz. That's a banquet as far as I'm concerned.
Today's plans: visit teachers, look for a job, relax. If I never unpack the whole summer it's like I'm going right back. I really don't want to be here. I love Tulane and New Orleans so. I'd feel this way if it weren't for Josh. My year was SO polar. It started out absolutely awful and my last week was one of the best of my life. But things have been good for a real long time. Around Christmastime, everything switched around. I got rid of my anger about Joey and started actually living my life instead of putzing around and moping. I can't wait to start up anew in August.
Life can be so goddamn irritating. So... I get a little romance for finals week. It's nice.
I still don't have a job. Hopefully I'll get something really soon after going back. I'll come home, unpack a bit and then set off on a job quest in a day or two. I'll probably visit my teachers too. I actually like a lot of them and I'm all college-y now and closer to their level.
Finals almost over. The one I'm least worried about is tomorrow. I might even go out tonight. Who knows. My poor boyfriend-for-a-week has to study physics all day. It's almost time to blow this joint.
Mike has some pictures up from the Delt formal. He's actually a very intelligent, articulate, funny writer.
Two finals down, two to go plus one spanish oral presentation. And then no more spanish oral ever and no more JEAN DANGLER EVER. I swear, if I ever have to deal with as much bullshit for a class again as I did for that one I'll die. No textbook = no work my ass. But in any case, I'm almost halfway through and I've got fuck all to do for the next couple of days. Some leisurely studying for eeob and religion, which are tuesday and wednesday, respectively. I have to work on Spanish this afternoon/evening but after that it's all gravy, baby. Can't wait to get back to the 'och for some R&R. Don't want to leave New Orleans one bit.
