name: amber
age: 22
location: new orleans
aim: sapgirly mail work
August 24, 2003
I am so happy right now. Back at school. New room. Good friends. All my stuff mostly unpacked and everything going right as rain. Except for the cost of books. That sucks ass. Otherwise, brilliant. But I'm real nervous about seeing Josh. What will he do? What will I do? Being here does remind me of the way it was (for that whole week!) and it wasn't bad at all. It was good. It was really good. Maybe I just got bored with the internet bit... beats me. Maybe I'm bitter about the long-distance thing and not willing to give it a try? Oh, there's a million answers I can come up with right now but until I see him I don't think I'll really know. And I've got a whole four hours before I find out.
But I'm so overjoyed to be home. It makes me tremble. I love love love it here and I'm finally back. If I prayed, I'd give thanks 'n shit. Ha.
I've let a WEBSITE fuck with my emotions. Now that is just stupid. I'm quitting that fucking site. At least for a while. Get some of my dignity back. Maybe some of my .... self esteem? I feel better already.
leave me here.
leave me whole.
you aren't You after all.
This is killing me. They're never You. And of course they're not. How could they be? You is something inside my mind. He doesn't exist. If only I could kill Him. If only I could make Him disappear. If only I could not know what I want and be open to anything.
But it's also a backdrop. I know you're not Him. So why even bother?
