Update on my life: I was in my first strip club today. Visions Mens Club. Yeah. I was laughing the whole time I was getting there, scared for the few minutes I was inside and then going "oh holy shit dude holy fucking shit" as I was leaving. Not that it was especially bad. But it was maybe 1:30 in the afternoon and there were quite a few dudes there. Of course, I was looking for employment. So cross off shot girl. In fact, cross off most of the restaurants I visited today and the salon, of which I had the address wrong. The one place I was actually likely to be hired...
Oh well.
In any case, I guess I won't be making all those tips. As I was leaving the guy at the door says to me, "it's probably a good thing. You seem nice."
Is it wrong to start to analyze your own relationship problems after watching Sex and the City? Is it worse to get on your computer and write about it?
What made this relationship go down the drain? It wasn't sudden. It wasn't unexpected. We were unhappy and a natural conclusion is to end it. Was it my fault? Was it his? Is someone to blame?
Why was I always afraid that he didn't like me anymore? Why did I always think he was going to do bad things to me, thinking bad thoughts about me? The person he was inside my head is a much worse person than who he really was. Sometimes he forgot things but he didn't do it out of spite or anger or hatred. He was always very kind to me. I can see that even now. I always said something stupid. I always thought he was having sex with me because he was horny. And I always had sex because I wanted to be close to him. But it was never absolute like that. He loved me and I messed it up.
In my other relationship it was the same way at the end. I thought he was going to leave me, and then he did. But the reason he left me was because I was miserable in the relationship because I envisioned him as so much worse than he was.
Is there a way out of this?
What will it be like next time? Will I learn from my two previous mistakes?
It's so hard this time because we both still love each other very much but being together makes us unhappy. And it's probably my fault.
Last time it was hard because I didn't know any better. This time I do. But it still got fucked up. And I can't even promise it would be different if we tried again. I probably will still think all kinds of horrible things -- when he forgets to call, I will think he is with someone else and when he says he wants to spend some time apart I will think he is growing tired of me. Is this a self-confidence issue?
Oh, so many questions and so few readers. Though I know this is only written for myself because I like to see it printed, it would be nice to get a letter from a psychologist telling me that, yes, I am fucked up and there's no way out or better still, that I have to do steps a, b and c to make my next relationship work.
A year is a long time. I wish things could have been different.
I'm subletting from a brother and my apartment mate is not here until the 21st. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself (besides look and hopefully GET a job).
Here are my prospects:
Telephone book delivery girl: yeah...
Waitress at shoddy restaurant: all the others require experience
Coffee shop chick: $5.25 an hour...
Shot girl at gentlemen's club: Ad says $200-400 in tips a night. Do I have morals? Not for $1000 a week.
Golf caddy at swanky resort: sounds good but with 100% humidity and 100+ weather... probably not.
Money changer at casino: and lung cancer from all the smoke.
Yeah, this is sounding great. Would I make a good shot girl? Hey big boy, you look like you could use another drink. *wink*
I have discovered that there are times in life that do not belong in reality. Perhaps a trip to a foreign country or a book that transfers you to another plane of consiousness. There are times when you are experiencing something that does not get recorded in the normal book of life but instead in some other, highly guarded book of the unexpected and undisclosed.
Last night was one of those times. It is a very strange feeling to be inside an experience and know that it cannot affect your life after that that it has no bearing on the past. These glitches have to be taken for what they are: flukes. Sometimes you have to leave the person you were at that moment in that moment because it was stolen.
Occasionally you have experiences that you have to ball up as small as you can get, tie them with string and put them inside a box inside a box inside a box with a big old lock and only you keep the key. It's important to remember them and thinking back on such times with fond memories is bound to happen but if they lose their magic, then the moment is ruined forever because there may never be another like it.
I'm going to keep last night with me for as long as I can stand it. Even if everything else fades away, I will have this one thing. And I will keep it inside my box inside my box inside my box with a big old lock and take it out only at special occasions. Things that are not meant to happen happen sometimes and you get to keep them inside you, in your memory. You can cry about them. I can cry about them. But it doesn't change anything. The important thing is to remember that it is a gift -- one you can never give back.
