name: amber
age: 22
location: new orleans
aim: sapgirly mail work
July 29, 2004
In my dream last night, initiation into my frat included getting "butt fucked." I was in a huge auditorium heatedly debating whether or not this should be included in the ritual. I was against. I had also, member though I am, not been through this process and was facing it. "Butt fucking" was a term thrown around quite loosely and no one seemed to mind if someone said it into a microphone in front of the thousand or so people that we were debating around.
Also, Josh comes in a very short amount of time. Another dream I had about him was that he was here and I woke up expecting him to be which alarms me slightly but also somewhat depresses me, because of my own weakness and inability to reason. I know perfectly well that what I want is not him, precisely, and what he wants is not me. Our use of the word "someone" when saying something like "It's nice to be next to someone" obviates the fact that we are merely lonely and desperate. It does not, however, alleviate the desire to be next to him.
I read an entire book today because the high setting of my air conditioning makes the television impossible to hear at reasonable volumes. It was an entertaining read. But somehow reading an entire book in one sitting seems like a waste of time. It is done now. But I am still bored.
My friend said "cunting" instead of "counting" in a mass email she sent out. It was hilarious but now I am plagued with finding an appropriate meaning for the word. Chasing tail? Eating carpet? The possibilities are so large and I really want it to mean "fucking." Alas.
I'm back. Grand Chapter was pretty cool. Takes me back to my Youth & Gov days: Bobs, Sacs... Kelly and Phil and everybody else havin' a grand old time. Youth & Gov was one of my only good experiences in high school.
And I saw Josh. I don't know whether I should be writing about him. I don't believe he would read this. And I don't believe I have anything to say that I would keep from him.
We kissed. A lot. Like we were still together. And we held hands. And things like that. It's kinda weird but it's not that weird. Of course, I feel a little strange and a little down. The thing is this: when I was kissing him, I was thinking about how I don't feel the same anymore. I was thinking about how I'm not in love with him anymore.
Before I came, I wasn't sure. I thought maybe I would look at him and just melt. Or that I would be driving with him and start crying because I realized I still felt strongly for him. The exact opposite happened. Kissing him and cuddling with him and holding hands with him made me realize that it's no longer like it was. It might never be the way it was (being optimistic and speculative and, let's be honest, hypothetical, about our future).
I think we will continue to be friends but I don't know if we have anything romantic in the future, even if our paths crossed the same way. I have to think that I will find someone that makes my heart go crazy... really crazy. I was so sensible in loving Josh that I might have fallen out of it long before we broke up. I cried perhaps for consistency and safety and complacency. I don't know why I cried so. I can't think that it was because I loved him so strongly. But then again, there was that one night. I felt that night quite differently than I did last night. I knew time would wash everything away. It always does.
I have a 7:20am flight to Richmond tomorrow to go to Phi Sigma Pi's Grand Chapter. We will conduct national business and elect national council officers. I am somewhat excited for this.
What I am more curious about, though, is what it will be like hanging out with the ex. We have spent a lot of time talking about our feelings and shit this summer. Everybody I mention my visit to has asked if we're going to fuck. I definitely don't think we will, seeing as I am staying at his parents' house and his mom doesn't go to work. Even if we wanted to (which I don't know if I do) I'm sure there will be few opportunities available. Besides, I am only there for one entire day. The others I am traveling. I didn't want to give myself too much time there. I figured that would be bad for everyone involved. But I am curious to see how it goes.
I have dreams about him. I have dreams where I tell him I still love him. I wake up wondering whether or not I do. I can't really say. Perhaps after seeing him. It is, as far as I can tell, irrelevant at this point. We will not be "together." I suppose it would matter if I were becoming interested in another person. But I am not. I am somewhat enjoying being single at the moment.
On another note, I think the people that use SoulSeek have better taste in music than your average person. Things like "Cat Power" get a lot of returns. Everybody seems to be into Death Cab and bands I thought were a little more underground. Maybe it's just my friends that aren't into the same music I am.
I gave my phone number to two boys yesterday, telling them not to puss out because we were supposed to go to a strip club today. What boy doesn't want to go to a strip club? What guy doesn't want to take a dude from France to a strip club? Apparently, strip clubs aren't even allowed in France.
I showed my damn tits to this purpose. Goddamnit. Everybody sucks.
I wonder if I can write erotic literature. I've written some short stories before. I don't know that I have any ideas. But I have been reading a lot of smut lately and I think I might enjoy delving into the authors' pool myself.
But what to write about? Surely my first story would be a "normal sex" situation in which both partners are consenting and there's no real kinky shit... I will think on this issue and get back to you.
I went to the New Orleans Museum of Art today. It is a cute museum but I find that my taste in art is extremely contemporary. My interest in early periods is very slight. I also enjoy photography a lot. I think I wish I could paint and take photos like the people hanging in the galleries, only I have never even taken a picture that impresses myself.
