name: amber
age: 22
location: new orleans
aim: sapgirly mail work
August 31, 2004
I have all these gmail invites and none of my friends want one. For graciously directing your browser to my site, you can have a nifty gmail account, on me.
Of course I noticed, but it did not bother me before that basically every one of my friends is in a relationship, generally with another one of my friends. My "group" consists of four couples, one guy in a long-distance relationship and another guy that is a conservative, right-wing Christian (decidedly not interested in me or me in him). Thus, when I want to order some damn Chinese food, I am faced with one couple going out on a "date," another one having "done that last night" and the other two not around. The conservative guy and I are friends more by association than anything else -- we both hang out with the same people.
This couple-y thing never bothered me when I was in a relationship. I was that couple that couldn't be found or that couple that was doing something (okay, not, we never did anything). Now that he's gone, I'm the "single girl." This sucks ass.
There's only so many people in my life I offer the ability to hurt me. This is not offered in and of itself. It is offered with the hope that instead they will love me, teach me, help me. The hurt is never expected though at times guarded against out of instict or fear. To be perfectly frank, there are few that can truly hurt me and few that I truly love or that I feel love me.
I think once you have this level of trust with someone it is impossible to be objective about their actions towards you for the rest of time. Certainly I can take away their ability to hurt me gravely and I can certainly change my mind about such people, remove my affection for one of them, even hate one of them but his or her (and normally his) actions will still affect me in a way that another's would not.
I get frustrated with myself at being hurt by Josh's actions. This is ridiculous, I feel, though I take care not to hurt him. He probably does the same and doesn't realize he is hurting me and at this point in our non-romantic relationship it is pointless and even out of place to mention it. I feel uneasy because of his disregard for my feelings, but not particularly damaged.
Josh came. I felt like an asshole. I was so back and forth with my feelings about him. Sometimes I wanted him to hold me and other times I didn't want to be around him at all and was ready for him to leave. And then when he did I was crying and I couldn't stop -- the tears were just falling down my face and then as soon as I turned around, I was completely fine. I wonder if this is normal.
I'm about to check out Helter Skelter from my library. I suppose I do read about serial killers.
