name: amber
age: 22
location: new orleans
aim: sapgirly mail work
January 14, 2005
It's not so hard to be friends with him as long as you keep in mind that no matter what happens, you don't matter to him at all. He is endlessly interesting and witty but the moment you step out of the room, he forgets who you are completely. Only when you return is he ready to do anything you ask of him. Who was that girl that just left? We can't possibly have been friends for two years. I can't even remember her name.
And no matter how close you think you are, it's all in your head because you're so unimportant to him he forgets to tell you things. That is his way. And if you can live with all that, then you can be great friends with him.
If you want something, but know it is bad for you and it does not occur, are you supposed to be happy or not? In the end, you are better off, but what you wanted was not given to you. An interesting contradiction but it happens so damn often. Or maybe I'm the only one that wants things I shouldn't have. Or maybe I'm the only one that knows what is and what is not good for me and doesn't care because my desires always win over intuition and reason.
I used to write things like this:
"I am sick, pathetic, vulgar ... I am insane -- I have no common sense, intuition. I would claw out my own eyes if you could reason it to me."
Now, everything is like this:
"A man across the way has just eaten a bag of salad lettuce, plain, with his fingers. So few people seem to realize the lack of nutrition in lettuce. Nothing so thin and transparent could be of real substance."
And at the end of it all, I have to say (and of course it is true), "This is all garbage."
Try this one on for size: I have lost my journals. I honestly have no idea where they are. I just moved apartments and I did not find them. Are they lost? Have I burned them? Something like this would tear my life apart a few years ago. Now I hardly care.
Well, at least my age is still right for two more months.
I found this magazine today called Paste. It is really interesting -- sure to be a source of new music for me. It's so easy to get lost in the listings.
And I am home. For another day and a half. I will make it for sure, and then I will return to my beautiful home and my beautiful balcony and the beautiful prospects of finding internships for the summer and the entire semester and MCATs ahead of me.
I visited teachers today. They are in the same classrooms. High school is static and unimpressive and it's a world that does not bend. The kids are still awful and the teachers are still too intelligent for what they're doing (the ones I liked, anyway) and in general, I continue to be ecstatic to have left. Except for my Spanish teacher that changed my life that is no longer there. And my other favorite teacher who was gone on paternity leave. Oh well. I'll probably never see them again.
