name: amber
age: 22
location: new orleans
aim: sapgirly mail work
March 27, 2005
I just wrote this:
everything is more beautiful with less detail. we could dance in oblivion and i would paint you with a blank canvas. that would be love.
the lines would all be smooth, with no color, with no definition, something you can see without looking and i couldn't tell you apart from the others. and i wouldn't care either way.
Everybody is so perfect until you get into it. And that beauty never comes back. You never get to a second level where things are beautiful again. Sometimes you are blind to reality but that is different from seeing reality for what it is and finding it beautiful. This is life...obscurity is our only absolution.
The problem with this whole fucking thing is that it's so temporary-permanent. You have this fleeting feeling: "I'm lonely" "He's boring" "I hate her" "I want to move to Canada" and it becomes this quasi-permanent statement, mutable only in the fact that you can go back and delete it later. But who wants to delete it later? Why "blog" at all if not for the ability to go back and read previous thoughts and feelings. In a journal, a paper journal, you get to edit these thoughts with the continual preface that you only felt that way then. Reading your own words you fully understand the implications and how your views have changed since the incident. These weblogs are quite public and there is no preface unless you write one and that's just tacky. Of course I'm not all that lonely, no he's not boring, I like her most of the time and yeah, I do want to move to Canada.
Feeling strangely lonesome tonight. I went to an "eccentric dinner" party and it was fairly eccentric. One group of friends always throw these little soirees that are actually quite enjoyable and very interesting, if nothing else. Their stories are quite fantastic and always leave me thinking "why don't I have friends like this?" Which somehow leads to "I wish I had someone to have sex with." I don't know how that works.
And there was this one girl that was just... mesmerizing. I'm not a lesbian. At least, I don't think I am but I couldn't keep my eyes off this girl. She was amazing. Twinkle in the eye or something.
